Kulula
is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula
airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety
lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here
are some real examples that have been heard or
reported:
On
a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where
you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing,
when a flight attendant announced,
"People,
people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in
it!"
On
another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
said,
"Ladies
and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning
down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the
appearance of your flight attendants."
On
landing, the stewardess said,
"Please
be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave
anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to
have."
"There
may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
this airplane."
"Thank
you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as
much as we enjoyed taking you for a
ride."
As
the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker:
After
a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo , a
flight attendant on a flight announced,
"Please
take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has
shifted."
"Welcome
aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just
like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate
one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."
"In
the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over
your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure
your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with
more than one small child, pick your
favorite."
"Weather
at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll
try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula
Airlines."
"Your
seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with
our compliments."
"As
you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or
spouses.."
And
from the pilot during his welcome
message:
"Kulula
Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight
attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this
flight!"
Heard
on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The
flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
"That
was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to
tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault,
it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the
asphalt."
Overheard
on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and
bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to
fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant
said,
"Ladies
and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your
seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's
left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another
flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
An
airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He
said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking
the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old
lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sir,
do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why,
no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The
little old lady said,
"Did
we land, or were we shot down?"
After
a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on
with,
"Ladies
and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and
the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through
the wreckage to the terminal.."
Part
of a flight attendant's arrival
announcement:
"We'd
like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next
time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula
Airways."
Heard
on a Kulula flight:
"Ladies
and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this
airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke
'em
