Monday, 29 April 2013

Starting the week with a smile.

 Someone sent me this in my email today and it made me smile. Do you remember these Jewish comedians?

Milton Berle,
George Burns,
Gene Wilder,
Mel Brooks,
Phil Silvers,
Rodney Dangerfield,
Jack Benny
Groucho Marx,
Jackie Mason,
Victor Borge,
Woody Allen,
Joan Rivers,

There were so many others and there was not one single swear word in their
comedy. Here are a few examples:

  I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the

  What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?
"Honey, I'm home!"

  Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief
spends less than my wife did.

  We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
  My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it
the Dead Sea ...

  She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

  The Doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

  The Doctor called Mrs Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back"
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

  A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese
food so much.
The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled
backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the foetus is not considered viable until it graduates
from medical school.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

A man called his mother in Florida,
"Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food
if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his father he has a part in
the play.
He asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
"The father scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a
speaking part."

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street
and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 10% off.
They don't tell 'em like that anymore. Did someone just say thank goodness!

Sunday, 14 April 2013

The Great Bond Debate

Okay, we’ve overdue for a debate here. Not just any debate, but the debate. It’s a question that’s been argued about over many a bottle of wine or six over the decades, but still hasn’t been resolved.
Who is the best James Bond ever?

Since I’m older than the father of time, I remember all the hype associated with the original films starring, of course, the legendary Sean Connery. A Scottish milkman cum body builder, (and what a body!), he was plucked from relative obscurity and catapulted to worldwide fame by the style, grace, sense of self and sheer magnetism he brought to Fleming’s character. Who can forget that scene in Goldfinger when Bond is secured to a table and a laser beam is working its way between his legs, getting perilously close to his most prized possession.

“Do you expect me to talk, Goldfinger?”
“No. Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.”

That what Goldfinger’s mistake, of course. Everyone knows that James Bond is immortal!

Roger Moore had a tough act to follow. Quoted as saying “I’m not that cold-blooded killer type. Which is why I play it mostly for laughs,” Moore’s savior-faire and easy sense of grace brought the cinematic 007 unparalleled success in the 70’s and 80’s. It was a time when movie audiences needed escapist entertainment and Moore was on hand to serve it up for them.

Pierce Brosnan. Can we pause for a moment and drool, please. Okay, that’s better. Brosnan is credited with successfully bringing Bond into the 90’s and then the 21st century. He was eleven when he moved from Ireland to London and saw Goldfinger at his local cinema.

“I was an eleven-year-old boy from the bogs of Ireland and there was this beautiful gold lady on a bed-naked. It made quite an impression on me,” he’s reported to have said.

Well, Pierce, the same can be said for you.

Daniel Craig redefined Bond in Casino Royale, stepping out of the shadows cast by his predecessors and making 007 feel new, fresh and dangerously exciting. Craig is generally thought of as having brought a physical rawness, emotional force and darkly seductive air to Fleming’s character that’s closer to the author’s perception of his creation than any of the other 007’s.

Hmm, perhaps, but he doesn’t really do it for me., although I have to say that I loved Skyfall. 

My choice? It’s a close run thing between Sean and Pierce. What about you?