Monday, 29 April 2013

Starting the week with a smile.

 Someone sent me this in my email today and it made me smile. Do you remember these Jewish comedians?

Milton Berle,
George Burns,
Gene Wilder,
Mel Brooks,
Phil Silvers,
Rodney Dangerfield,
Jack Benny
Groucho Marx,
Jackie Mason,
Victor Borge,
Woody Allen,
Joan Rivers,

There were so many others and there was not one single swear word in their
comedy. Here are a few examples:

  I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the

  What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?
"Honey, I'm home!"

  Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief
spends less than my wife did.

  We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
  My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it
the Dead Sea ...

  She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

  The Doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

  The Doctor called Mrs Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back"
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

  A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese
food so much.
The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled
backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the foetus is not considered viable until it graduates
from medical school.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

A man called his mother in Florida,
"Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food
if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his father he has a part in
the play.
He asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
"The father scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a
speaking part."

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street
and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that isn't 10% off.
They don't tell 'em like that anymore. Did someone just say thank goodness!

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